Keep It to Yourself

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions? — Scott Adams

As a general rule of thumb, if it takes you longer than seven seconds to explain your dream to me, understand, I couldn’t care less about it.

I may have been a part of it. It may have been communication from your long past grandmother. Heck, it may be a premonition of the future. But here’s the deal: unless the explanation is shorter than it takes me to finish a glass of water, save me the pain of feigning interest and wasting three minutes of my life.

And in return, I’ll do you the same favor.

While each individual’s dreams are interesting to that individual, realize that when you tell someone else about it, you are essentially sharing the bizarre, unconnected storyline from a memory of something that never existed.

It’d be like me telling you, “Hey, dude, this is so crazy, but yesterday, I was at Wendy’s eating a hamburger when all of a sudden my 6^th grade math teacher appeared—a nun dressed in her full habit—and I realized I wasn’t holding a hamburger; I was holding a hedgehog! Crazy, right? Oh yeah, and none of that ever happened.”

See what I mean?

Now, understand, I’m not ragging on dreams. I love dreams. I love dreaming. In fact, I have a tape recorder by my bed to record them when I wake up. I just don’t love your dreams. I don’t care what happens when you sleep. So unless they’re short and funny, keep them to yourself.

For instance, here’s an acceptable example: The other night I had a nightmare that no matter how hard I tried to chew food with my mouth closed, I couldn’t close it. And I woke up, terrified, that I would forever be one of those people who chewed with their mouths open.

See? That was very short, informative (informative that my mother grilled me for so long about chewing with my mouth closed that it’s still causing me anxiety dreams), and relatively entertaining.

Anyone who tells you that they like hearing about your dreams is lying. They are merely enduring your boring recollection so in turn, you will be obligated to listen to their dreams.

Now, I know that someone will read this post (…actually I don’t know that because no one ever comments these days…) and then I will run into them and maybe, just maybe, I will mention a dream of mine.

And of course their first reaction will be (said in a dopey, obnoxious voice): “But you said dreams are stupid and here you are telling me your dream.”

Yes! But as I promised, when I tell you my dream, it will be very short and somewhat pertinent. And in truth, that’s all I ask.

Dreamily,

jdt